Couldn't run a chook raffle. Our words and actions can have the impact of feeling hurtful to our partner without us having the intention of being hurtful. Dont miss this roundup of the Canadian comedians to watch out forand their best jokes. It all happened so fast., A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see whos best at his job. I just sold a screenplay for $200,000. And, of more recent coinage, for our Iraqui readers: Couldn't organise a hanging on a gallows. Those are the umlauts.Submitted by David Wong, While going through his deceased fathers things, a man found a 25-year-old claim stub for a shoe repair. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee. I know, says the second dog owner. Theres a smartass quote for that. Submitted by Rita Hickey, A little boy was sitting beside me in the hospital waiting room. What are you doing! says the husband. 25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes A: A steeping bag. @keyframes _1tIZttmhLdrIGrB-6VvZcT{0%{opacity:0}to{opacity:1}}._3uK2I0hi3JFTKnMUFHD2Pd,.HQ2VJViRjokXpRbJzPvvc{--infoTextTooltip-overflow-left:0px;font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;padding:3px 9px;position:absolute;border-radius:4px;margin-top:-6px;background:#000;color:#fff;animation:_1tIZttmhLdrIGrB-6VvZcT .5s step-end;z-index:100;white-space:pre-wrap}._3uK2I0hi3JFTKnMUFHD2Pd:after,.HQ2VJViRjokXpRbJzPvvc:after{content:"";position:absolute;top:100%;left:calc(50% - 4px - var(--infoTextTooltip-overflow-left));width:0;height:0;border-top:3px solid #000;border-left:4px solid transparent;border-right:4px solid transparent}._3uK2I0hi3JFTKnMUFHD2Pd{margin-top:6px}._3uK2I0hi3JFTKnMUFHD2Pd:after{border-bottom:3px solid #000;border-top:none;bottom:100%;top:auto} If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen., 46. This is one of the times in life when you should keep a straight face. Laugh more: Corny jokes for kids As they are walking out of the restaurant, Jenna starts to rifle through her purse to find her keys. It was a long, dramatic, drawn-out way of telling us to shut-up. The sign says its okay, replied the visitor. I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. ", "I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. But I had to call you because Im in awe of his relationship with God. Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy? Two whales walk into a bar. It can be a shared little world of private jokes, silly characters, and inside jokes that build trust and bring you closer to each other. You should be seeing a psychiatrist, The guys replies, I am seeing a psychiatrist., The dentist says, Well then what are you doing here?. I had spent some time looking for a sandwich on the grass, when a golfer asked me if someone had lost a sand wedge. Cant you just tell me?Submitted by Dana Thayer. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. ", "It's thinly sliced cabbage. Whats your secret for a long, happy life? I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, he said. Thats him, comes the reply. A bowl full of mice-cream. Two monkeys were getting into the bath. Submitted by Joni Krats, Working in a library, one of the tasks we have to do twice a week is call patrons about their overdue items. Friend making bad life choices? Wow these drinks are big!, The bartender replies, Everything is big in Texas.. Treating those tender spotsyour own and your partnerswith reverence and care deepens trust and creates healing. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? Your mileage may vary. Is it true, she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life? Yes, Im afraid so, said the doctor. The person on the other side of the intercom replied, Pardon me? so I repeated myself. Theyre on the way out! Tim Vine. No joke. Im not insulting you, Im describing you., 39. Pressed for time? Because he broke all the records. They left a little note, it said Parking Fine. Tim Vine. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home., The guy is flabbergasted. I always say Morning instead of Good Morning, because if it was a good morning, I would still be in my bed and not talking to people., 2. Im a lawyers genie, so for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the same thing, only double. After thinking a moment, the man says, For my first wish, I would like $10 million. Lawyers will get $20 million, the genie reminds him. Soccer is one of the most played sports in America. *Results not guaranteed. Explanation: "No joke" has a double meaning here. A reliable jokenever fails to break the ice during social interactions, and goodness knowssome of us can use all the help we can get in those situations! I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? And in the morning kick me in the head Oh, Maggie, I couldn't have tried anymore You led me away from home 'Cause you didn't want to be alone You stole my heart, I couldn't leave you if I tried I suppose I could collect my books And get . "Dad comes to his son and tells him he's adopted. 10. ._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ{border-top:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-lineColor);margin-top:16px;padding-top:16px}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN{margin:0;padding:0}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:21px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;margin:8px 0}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ.QgBK4ECuqpeR2umRjYcP2{opacity:.4}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ label{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ label svg{fill:currentColor;height:20px;margin-right:4px;width:20px;-ms-flex:0 0 auto;flex:0 0 auto}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._4OtOUaGIjjp2cNJMUxme_{-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._4OtOUaGIjjp2cNJMUxme_ svg{display:inline-block;height:12px;width:12px}._2b2iJtPCDQ6eKanYDf3Jho{-ms-flex:0 0 auto;flex:0 0 auto}._4OtOUaGIjjp2cNJMUxme_{padding:0 12px}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:12px;letter-spacing:unset;line-height:16px;text-transform:unset;--textColor:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor);--textColorHover:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColorShaded80);font-size:10px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.5px;line-height:12px;text-transform:uppercase;color:var(--textColor);fill:var(--textColor);opacity:1}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F._2UlgIO1LIFVpT30ItAtPfb{--textColor:var(--newRedditTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor);--textColorHover:var(--newRedditTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColorShaded80)}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F:active,._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F:hover{color:var(--textColorHover);fill:var(--textColorHover)}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F:disabled,._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F[data-disabled],._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F[disabled]{opacity:.5;cursor:not-allowed}._3a4fkgD25f5G-b0Y8wVIBe{margin-right:8px} My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. A man was stranded on a desert island for 20 years when a navy ship finally spots him. When I told him, he pointed out that I really had failed to organise a piss-up in a brewery. '", "My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo. 25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before Sad after the funeral of a friend, my wife and I ducked into a Chinese restaurant for a pick-me-up. He seems fine now, says the vet. Menu. Submitted by Timothy Manganaro, A Dubliner proposes to his girlfriend on St. Patricks Day and gives her a ring with a synthetic diamond. As I told the salesperson, I dont need to be depressed four ways; one is quite enough.. When the waiter brings him the meal, he asks if they are genuine. This is my step ladder. Your husband fell into a vat of beer and drowned., Mrs. Smith wails, Oh, the poor man! I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. Keep these funny holiday jokes in mind for your next party! I dont know what he laced them with, but Ive been tripping all day. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. I typed Bitch into my GPS and guess what? I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. They always take things literally. Check out 30 New Years jokes that will have you laughing out loud. Want to grab a drink? he asks the centipede, but theres no answer from the box. Get to know these funny jokes for National Tell a Joke Day! The odds of getting mugged once are 1 in 50. Submitted by Ryan George, Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Laughfactory.com, Anyone want to buy some exercise equipment? Oh, hey, kettle, Im pot and wow, youre black. Olivia Cunning, Tie Me, 26. The first one says, Weeoouhh. The next whale says, Shut up, Steve. .ehsOqYO6dxn_Pf9Dzwu37{margin-top:0;overflow:visible}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu{height:24px}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu{border-radius:2px}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu:focus,._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu:hover{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-navIconFaded10);outline:none}._38GxRFSqSC-Z2VLi5Xzkjy{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._2DO72U0b_6CUw3msKGrnnT{border-top:none;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);cursor:pointer;padding:8px 16px 8px 8px;text-transform:none}._2DO72U0b_6CUw3msKGrnnT:hover{background-color:#0079d3;border:none;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-body)} And how long has it been since your last confession?, I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Lets make this interesting. So we stopped playing chess.Matt Kirshen, A man comes to Mrs. Smiths door and says, Theres been an accident at the brewery. Theyre so noisy, he complained. It is ranked top 3 sports in America. A priest is driving along a country road when a trooper pulls him over. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. Next time you're at a loss for words, try out one of these one-liners andwatch your popularity soar!*. 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding, 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh (and cringe), 41 of Bill Baileys most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners, 25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before, 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners, 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes, 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes, 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes, 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners, 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes, 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults, 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners, 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips, 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life, 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes, 27 brilliantly funny quotes from This Country, 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners, 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley, 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes, 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes, 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes, Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners, Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners, 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier, 25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes, 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes, 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults, 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling, The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team, 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes, When spring 2023 starts in the UK and why there are different ways of calculating the first day, Ken Bruce's final show reminded us he doesn't just talk to everyone, he listens to them, too, Who hates my naked protests most? Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadnt made any plans, and trying to figure out how the hell you hurt your back., 31. Whats it called? Rub one ball and everything moves., 7. What does the word contemplate mean? the college student asked his English professor. Submitted by Joyce Tenhage, A friend who had just turned 50, and couldnt quite deal with that fact, was wearing a T-shirt that said, Im not 50! Why? The bouncer says, You cant come in here with a dog., He replies, Im blind and this is my seeing-eye dog., The bouncer responds, You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?, The second guy exclaims, They gave me a Chihuahua?, I come from a stupid family. It says, Do not feed. Submitted byLucinda Rajaselvan, The police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing over a lifeless man, holding a bent and twisted five-iron. If you ran as much as you ran your mouth, youd be in great shape., 43. Is that you?. That water is yucky!, He replied, Well, it tasted good yesterday. Tammy McKenzie, High River, Alberta, While cleaning out the garage, I found an old protest sign that read, DISARM TODAY! On the other side, it said, DAT ARM TOMORROW.Submitted by Jim Vandermaas, You know, people dont usually compliment me on my driving, so I was very pleased this morning when I saw a note on my car that said, Parking fine. That was very nice of them! Ive spent the week with seven beautiful women. Do not fret, my son, says the priest. Whats E.T. Submitted by Janet Winkler, A businessman flying first class is sitting next to a parrot. Fo drizzle! 79. She looks great! A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larrys wife. Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. My girlfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on her face I love sharpies., 32. Ugh! the student groaned. How old are you? Thirty-six.Submitted by Melissa Steginus, The other day I was thinking, I must be the most unobservant person in the world. Then I thought, Well, maybe other people are equally unobservant and I just havent noticed before.Submitted by D. Norris, I love that TV show with all the different video clips of things going disastrously wrong. Submitted by C.A. | Next week is his First Communion., I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached Gods holy word. One day, I saw him reach for the glass of dandelion water and stopped him just before he drank from it. Press J to jump to the feed. Does that mean I get to keep the money?Submitted by Lawrence Adelson, Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his bar stool and lies motionless on the floor. He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word. These hilarious tweets are guaranteed to make you grin! Relationships are a lot like Algebra. A vegan said to me, People who sell meat are gross!, I said, People who sell veggies are grocer. Adele Cliff, comedian. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, Pull over!, No! the woman yelled back, Cardigan! Reddit.com, I quit my job working for Nike. All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice. Will that cleanse my sin from me? No, but itll wipe that stupid smile off your face.Submitted by Edward F. Castellanos, You wont be able to un-see these funny stock photos. First, lets make sure hes dead., Theres a silence, then a shot. I looked at him, puzzled, and said, But, sir, its raining! He replied, Then take an umbrella and water the plants. Submitted by Nilesh Patel, At the local hospitals emergency room, the nurse joked, as she fitted me with an ID wristband, Youve been bar-coded! I, being 72, added, Long past the best-before date. Submitted by Colin Campbell, If you understand English, press 1. ), I was driving when I first saw the flash of a traffic camera. Some days you eat salads and go to the gym. Im coming to live with you.Submitted by Joan Vercueil, A couple of cockroaches are munching on the contents of a garbage can in a deserted alley. We dont serve your type! shouts the barman. How far do you think I can kick this bucket. Couldn't organise a blow-job in a brothel. You cross my mind only on Thursday morning. No pun in 10 did. They planet. The steaks are too high. Submitted by Tommy Cooper, As an assisted-living caregiver, I have a 92-year-old client, Margaret, with whom I bake cookies. It read, Mr. Reviewed by Ekua Hagan. Sorry, Im not Adele. A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads Talking Dog for Sale. Intrigued, he walks in. But hay its in my jeans. He immediately smells alcohol on the priests breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car. One night, while we were out for supper at a Mediterranean restaurant, my sister-in-law had a question about one of the appetizers. Why would you post that sign? Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.Submitted by L.B. Bark is on tree, trees are in nature. This is your great-grandma and great grandpa, I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. Start in England and drive west. In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. Im actually not funny. And what about your strengths? Im Batman.Anonymous, After security tackles you on the red carpet? Lemme try some of that! The man grabs the beer. Submitted by Denise Stewart. Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be, How to Talk to Your White Male Partner About Race, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. Hows it work? Watch, said the drunk. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house. A blind man visits Texas. Thats Mums side.. When I feel down and someone tells me to suck it up, I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and then say walk it off.. Im just mean and people think Im joking., 35. One turned to my father and said, Do yall put manure on your strawberries? My dad smiled, then responded, I dont know how you do things where you come from, but up here we put sugar and cream on our berries. Submitted by Stacey Hebert. Whoever told you to be yourself gave you really bad advice [Read: Ready to charm? Ah, yes, the doctor said when Norm explained what had happened to him. What do you call a person who walks back and forth screaming one minute, then sits down weeping uncontrollably the next? Ive decided to sell my Hoover it was just collecting dust. Here are the funniest court cases of all time! 27 brilliantly funny quotes from This Country For the past 25 years, I drove a hearse.Submitted by Janeth Murphy, Recently, a man walked into my barbershop and asked how much for a haircut. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him., They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Brand: Top Craft Case. God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time. Robin Williams, 5. That cushion softens the blow when the inevitable bad stuff hits: misunderstanding, frustration, and disconnection. We can hold ourselves accountable with self-compassion, and our partners can let us know about their hurt while remembering that we are imperfect and lovable. Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. But wait till I take him out of the bowl.Submitted by Nancy Send, An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. Jim was invited to Buckingham Palace. Without hesitation, the man says: Never mind, I found one!, I dont want to achieve immortality through my work. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.